Okay With Not Being Okay

I will never forget the day I felt the chills overtake me, the fog cleared from my vision and I awoke from my dream. Divorce suddenly changed from "never in a million years" to being a necessity if I wanted to remain in the world of sanity. You can't make someone love you, sometimes you're better off alone, cliche after cliche till I just want to scream. But, there's a reason that these trite phrases have endured - so many people have proven them to be nothing less than the truth. While my brain processes them, my soul can't just perk up and wear a smile all the time.

No matter the reasons for it, we must go through a grieving process. After all, it is the death of a dream, the death of the proverbial us. For me, it is also the death of a love, saying goodbye to the person I used to be and the person I thought he was. Did you get married expecting to get divorced? The day I made my vows, every fiber of my soul was in it for life. Even when the marriage started going downhill, I still held on to the childish belief that everything would be okay because I would not give up. But the faithfulness and determination of just one person can not hold a marriage together.

Divorce is utterly exhausting on your body, mind and soul. Just keeping the mouth smiling while the inside is dying wears me out, every single day. I have swallowed down so many tears for the sake of my kids. I have said "I'm ok" hundreds of times, when I'm really not. I'm very well acquainted with my achy, breaky heart these days. Am I ok? Not today. But someday soon I will be.