Proverbs 16:18

I feel the need to address a burning question of my readers:
How can I just put all my business out there like that?
Actually, I'm not putting "all" my business out there,
I do have kids to consider. The part of me that I am
comfortable sharing is the part of me that hopes
to reach out to others who are going or have went through
similar situations. Somewhere, someday, a kindred soul
will comment on one of my blogs and a dialogue
will begin that will be mutually beneficial to us both.
Now, back to our regularly scheduled program.

"Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall." Just call me the modern day example of Proverbs 16:18. I think I was able to stay in my marriage for so long by my sheer determination to avoid divorce. For many years, I mistakenly believed that people who were divorced had failed in some way. I'm not referring to people in abusive marriages, but your everyday "we fell out of love" divorced couples. I thought that divorce was the easy way out for most people and a way to avoid compromise and honesty. I have been puffed up with arrogance and pride for quite a few years now, because I was married. It was very easy for me to ignore problems that were getting worse, because I was married. I refused to recognize how alone and used I really was, because I was married. I think I would have eventually become a shell of my former self, because I was married.

I now find myself on the other side of the mirror, looking back at how I used to be with a great degree of shame. It's hard for me to admit how judgmental I have been to so many people I know who have divorced. But I don't want to remain stagnant, and I want to be true to myself. I don't have the right to judge anyone for their decisions, and nobody has the right to judge me for my decisions. I have fallen, and now it's time to start over with a heart that is a little bit wiser.

Okay With Not Being Okay

I will never forget the day I felt the chills overtake me, the fog cleared from my vision and I awoke from my dream. Divorce suddenly changed from "never in a million years" to being a necessity if I wanted to remain in the world of sanity. You can't make someone love you, sometimes you're better off alone, cliche after cliche till I just want to scream. But, there's a reason that these trite phrases have endured - so many people have proven them to be nothing less than the truth. While my brain processes them, my soul can't just perk up and wear a smile all the time.

No matter the reasons for it, we must go through a grieving process. After all, it is the death of a dream, the death of the proverbial us. For me, it is also the death of a love, saying goodbye to the person I used to be and the person I thought he was. Did you get married expecting to get divorced? The day I made my vows, every fiber of my soul was in it for life. Even when the marriage started going downhill, I still held on to the childish belief that everything would be okay because I would not give up. But the faithfulness and determination of just one person can not hold a marriage together.

Divorce is utterly exhausting on your body, mind and soul. Just keeping the mouth smiling while the inside is dying wears me out, every single day. I have swallowed down so many tears for the sake of my kids. I have said "I'm ok" hundreds of times, when I'm really not. I'm very well acquainted with my achy, breaky heart these days. Am I ok? Not today. But someday soon I will be.