There Should Be A Soundtrack.....

My life has been a constantly evolving harmony of lyrics ever since my very first cassette tape of "Air Supply" on my in-your-face red boom box somewhere back in the 80's. I spent way too much time alone during my teenage years, hitting play-pause over and over, furiously scribbling down lyrics to songs. The magic of the internet makes this ever so much easier now! These last few months have given old songs new meanings, and brought some new ones to me that have helped me cope with my divorce. Welcome to my soundtrack, part one.

"I guess I just lost my husband
I don't know where he went"

I'm going to venture a guess that most of you have heard this song - you know the "na na na" song as my 3 year old calls it - it's a booty shaking little song called "So What" by Pink. Who ever would have thought a song about divorce could make you want to dance? This song gets so much airplay, my daughters can sing every word right along with me. Turns out, Pink wrote an entire album, Funhouse, about her divorce from Carey Hart. I have liked a few of Pink's songs before, but now? This girl has earned her way into my Top 5 All Time.

"I left myself behind,
Somewhere along the way,
Hoping to come back around
to find myself someday"

"Let Me Be Myself," 3 Doors Down, is another popular one getting a lot of airplay. For me, it brings tears every time if I sing it out loud. I spent years trying to figure out who, exactly, he wanted me to be. I neglected so many things that were important to me, thinking that making myself a martyr to the cause would keep us together forever. Wrong again.

"Your vision of romance is cruel

all along I played the fool

all your expectations bury me"

"Perfect Girl" by Sarah McLachlan. There are so many, many of her songs that are getting me through lately - but I'll settle on this one for now. This came out a few years ago, and I saw her perform it live in concert. I love my Sarah, but this song touches me in a whole new way now. I spent so much time thinking I had a happy marriage, thinking I was loved by him as much as I loved him. I was the fool for so long, probably because I couldn't face the truth. No matter how hard or long I could have tried, I never could have made him happy when all he wanted was to have his solitude & freedom. Earlier tonight - I stumbled across a news story that Sarah & her hubby are recently separated. She wrote 2 songs about it, which I will revisit on the blog at a later date. What the hell? Is there something in the water lately? Divorce, divorce everywhere!


"I've kissed your lips & held your head
Shared your dreams & shared your bed
I know you well, I know your smell
I've been addicted to you
Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend"

The quintessential song that I turn up really loud when I need to have a good cry. "Goodbye My Lover" by James Blunt - encompasses all the sorrow, grief, heartbreak and self pity that I have to let myself wallow in every once in a while. This song has a history with me - I first heard it right after Liliana was born, when I thought all was right in my world. It gave me goosebumps, and made me cry. I didn't listen to it often because of this, but the night he left us this was the first song I turned to. It was almost like this song was always waiting in the wings for me, knowing that someday it was going to come in handy. I still can't listen to this song very often- I will absolutely start crying. If you ever hear it on my stereo - you know I'm having a rough day.


I'm going to leave it here for now, returning somewhere down the road. So, what about you? I'm always open to new music, give me a few suggestions.

Thank You, Reese Witherspoon!

Reese Witherspoon publicly speaks about her divorce from Ryan Phillippe in the latest issue of "Elle" magazine. The article touches me with its honesty, and the way she describes divorce
is completely on point. Right on Reese, and thank you!

Here's a preview: “Very humiliating and very isolating…But, by the way, if it’s not painful,maybe it wasn’t the right decision to marry to begin with." Read the whole article here!

Proverbs 16:18

I feel the need to address a burning question of my readers:
How can I just put all my business out there like that?
Actually, I'm not putting "all" my business out there,
I do have kids to consider. The part of me that I am
comfortable sharing is the part of me that hopes
to reach out to others who are going or have went through
similar situations. Somewhere, someday, a kindred soul
will comment on one of my blogs and a dialogue
will begin that will be mutually beneficial to us both.
Now, back to our regularly scheduled program.

"Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall." Just call me the modern day example of Proverbs 16:18. I think I was able to stay in my marriage for so long by my sheer determination to avoid divorce. For many years, I mistakenly believed that people who were divorced had failed in some way. I'm not referring to people in abusive marriages, but your everyday "we fell out of love" divorced couples. I thought that divorce was the easy way out for most people and a way to avoid compromise and honesty. I have been puffed up with arrogance and pride for quite a few years now, because I was married. It was very easy for me to ignore problems that were getting worse, because I was married. I refused to recognize how alone and used I really was, because I was married. I think I would have eventually become a shell of my former self, because I was married.

I now find myself on the other side of the mirror, looking back at how I used to be with a great degree of shame. It's hard for me to admit how judgmental I have been to so many people I know who have divorced. But I don't want to remain stagnant, and I want to be true to myself. I don't have the right to judge anyone for their decisions, and nobody has the right to judge me for my decisions. I have fallen, and now it's time to start over with a heart that is a little bit wiser.

Okay With Not Being Okay

I will never forget the day I felt the chills overtake me, the fog cleared from my vision and I awoke from my dream. Divorce suddenly changed from "never in a million years" to being a necessity if I wanted to remain in the world of sanity. You can't make someone love you, sometimes you're better off alone, cliche after cliche till I just want to scream. But, there's a reason that these trite phrases have endured - so many people have proven them to be nothing less than the truth. While my brain processes them, my soul can't just perk up and wear a smile all the time.

No matter the reasons for it, we must go through a grieving process. After all, it is the death of a dream, the death of the proverbial us. For me, it is also the death of a love, saying goodbye to the person I used to be and the person I thought he was. Did you get married expecting to get divorced? The day I made my vows, every fiber of my soul was in it for life. Even when the marriage started going downhill, I still held on to the childish belief that everything would be okay because I would not give up. But the faithfulness and determination of just one person can not hold a marriage together.

Divorce is utterly exhausting on your body, mind and soul. Just keeping the mouth smiling while the inside is dying wears me out, every single day. I have swallowed down so many tears for the sake of my kids. I have said "I'm ok" hundreds of times, when I'm really not. I'm very well acquainted with my achy, breaky heart these days. Am I ok? Not today. But someday soon I will be.